Once Upon a Time- You’re Killing Me Smalls!

I used to love ABC’s Once Upon a Time. That’s right. I said it. Used to. But after last night’s unshocking “shocking” reveal, I am seriously disappointed. So much so, I feel the need to announce it here for all to see.

When Once Upon a Time aired, I immediately fell in love with the characters, interweaving story lines and creativity. Yes, the stories were more Disney than Grimm, but hey, the writers know who’s bankrolling the project, so that I can forgive.

However…(SPOILER ALERT)

The identity of Rumpelstiltskin’s son, Baelfire was revealed, and yes, it was no big surprise that it was Emma’s ex and Henry’s father. Interesting twist? Sure. So what’s my issue? Let me reconstruct the timeline.

Baelfire was around thirteen years old when Rumpelstiltskin became The Dark One, and last night it was revealed Bae was fourteen when he fell through the wormhole created by a magic bean and arrived in the land without magic, which is our world.

In the time since, Rumpelstiltskin had to set forth the events that would create the curse to bring him to the place where his son was located. He brokered the deal that gave King George not one, but two sons, one of which was Prince Charming, who had to grow up, find Snow White, marry her and have a child. Then this child, Emma, was sent to the land without magic and grew up never knowing about her fairytale roots until the son she gave up for adoption seeked her out to break the curse.

Now, when the curse struck and everyone was trapped in Storybrooke, it’s completely plausible that all of the townsfolk were “frozen” in time and never aged. They were cursed. Got it. But we know those who were not cursed aged accordingly. Emma, August, Henry and yes, Baelfire.

For all of that to have happened, that means Baelfire needs to be pushing sixty! Even if I give the show leeway and pretend the curse sent everyone back to the exact moment he fell through the wormhole, he’d be at least fourteen years older than Emma. So why oh why are the producers trying to convince me that this man is Rumpelstiltskin’s son? Am I crazy here? Please, someone tell me my math is wrong.

If this show was a book, I would have thrown it against the wall. Do you know how many angry readers there would be if I tried to pull a plot twist like that in a novel? And that’s assuming I managed to get the story published.

I have forgiven this show a lot. I’ve overlooked inconsistencies such as August’s complete disappearance and how the hell he figured out Neil was Baelfire, Emma’s wavering truth-telling ability, how Greg Mendell is allowed to walk around the hospital without surpervision or even a spell to monitor his movements, and the fact no one has looked into what really happened to Graham (oh, how I miss the hunky huntsman).

After this stunt, my tolerance is stretched to the breaking point. Instead of looking forward to each episode, I’m hunching over in fear. It’s like my love/hate relationship with The Black Dagger Brotherhood series. I look forward to the next book, but then the hero turns into a simpering jackass and I get pissed, but the supporting characters are interesting so I keep going back for more all the while fearing what’s going to happen after I crack open the cover.

Please writers, I beg of you. Take a little more care in the details. I don’t want to be the booty call girl who’ll take whatever crumbs of affection you throw at her because she loves the way Captain Hook looks in his pirate coat. Don’t I deserve some respect?